Take Two- 30. Define Somewhere and Make it Home

The last two weeks have been extremely eye opening for me- to say the least. The tornadoes at home were part of it. Being this far away from family when crap like that happens is never fun. Unfortunately, at this stage in my life I've seen enough tragedy to know that early morning and late night phone calls are never good. Ever. So, the 6am text message from a dear friend telling me what had transpired a block away from my mom- the house I grew up in- was scary. Luckily, she was okay. The house flooded, the tree in the backyard fell, and she was without power for 24 hours- but luckily mom and Lola were unharmed. I've been having a lot of issues with missing my friends and family lately. I haven't been home in a year and 3 months and I am stuck here. Plane tickets are too expensive to go home for the holidays, which means another Thanksgiving and Christmas alone in this big house- just Steve and I. Plus my class reunion is this November, the Saturday after Thanksgiving (EXCELLENT planning really) and we cannot afford to come home for that either. I suppose I could sell an organ or an ovary to foot the bill, but in hindsight I realized that was not an option either. When my mom called today to let me know that my uncle passed away- that was the last straw. Someone, somewhere, is sending me signs- huge signs that I can no longer ignore.

When Steve and I discussed moving, we knew we wanted to be somewhere within driving distance of home. Now with the advent of this foreclosure crap, there just isn't any way we can save up that amount of money to move anywhere cross country. Anywhere but home that is. You see, moving back home would be relatively cheap- and since I already am extremely familiar with Chicago, finding an apartment online will be no problem.

I love the idea of moving to Memphis, but I can't bring myself to do it so hastily. I did that when I moved to Phoenix. I relied on other people's opinions of a place I did not know- and although they had the best intentions- this place just is not me and does not -nor will it ever -make me happy. Since Steve and I would rather poke our eyeballs out with pitchforks than move to another apartment in Arizona- throwing almost $3000 out the window in doing so (security deposit, movers for a 4 bedroom, 2 living room house, and a pet deposit) we finally decided that we will be moving back to Chicago.

I don't know how I feel about this. I have mixed feelings about Chicago in general. I have some of the best memories from that city- but they go along with some of the worst memories- being broke and not knowing how to pay my bills, being forever lonely in that huge cavernous place- etc. I know the money issue isn't going to be like it was. We have 2 incomes, which makes a huge difference. It is also just the thought of moving back "there" in general. I don't know that I am ready to go back there. All I know is that my family and friends are more important to me than anything in the world, and being this far away and feeling this helpless absolutely sucks.

I started sending out resumes today and am PRAYING that someone- any of them- will call me back. Another feeling associated with Chicago is the "I'm over-qualified or under-qualified for everything that is available" which is what I went through ever so many times out there. I love my job now. I've never loved a job before. I realize that my job is the only thing holding me here in Arizona. I love what I do. I love that I am helping people. I love hearing the stories of why people want to foster. I love the people I work with. It just sucks. Truthfully- I think I am more terrified of moving back to Chicago then I was making the move out here to Phoenix. I am excited to be near my friends and family- sure that's a given. There are so many other variables though. It's just kind of overwhelming right now. Completely overwhelming. So I guess Chicago is getting a second chance- a "Take two" if you will. Perhaps I can finally make peace with the windy city and make it home.