16. Live in a Big City and 17 Live Alone

#16 & 17 on the list go hand in hand- cuz I did both together. Of course, my first experience of living alone was not living in the big city. It was the little apartment above the Town Theatre on Kennedy Avenue in Highland. As with all my apartments, I have very fond memories of that place. It was my first time alone, without a roommate. Anyone can look back to their first apartment all alone and smile. Simply because you probably never knew that solidarity like that could be so amazing. All your own stuff- you can decorate as you choose, clean when you want, and not deal with all the drama-roomatey stuff you would otherwise.

I don't remember what possessed me to rent that place. It was a dump when I saw it the first time. The only thing I saw was the red living room walls and the shabby wood floors and I just fell in love. Looking back now, that apartment was such a 'Chicago' style apartment- I guess I should have known then I was destined to be a city-mouse (as my cousin Suzanne refers to me) Not everyone was so fond of that place- in fact my mom cried the first time she saw it. I remember the day before I moved in I worked. I came back to find my mother had been there all day cleaning- and the place was still dirty. It took us about a week to get it where it should be. The place had its flaws. There was one other apartment up there- inhabited by the woman who played Owen's mom in the movie Throw Momma From the Train, if that isn't bad enough she would always wait till she heard me come up the steps when I got home then come out and ask me to take out her garbage and other random old people things. The walls were paper thin, whoever built that place never put insulation in because in the winter I slept with hats, mittens and scarves on my body and still woke up with freezing cold cheeks and nostrils, the bathroom was old and in desperate need of a remodeling, and the wood floors I adored upon move-in turned out to have large nails sticking up every two inches- nails that tore up every pair of socks I owned.

These aren't the parts I remember though. I remember the Christmas party I had where we crammed that little place full of friends and food. I remember sneaking down to the street during intermission at the Town Theatre and stealing cakes and baked goods while pretending we were a part of the audience- because we were broke. I remember when Andy and I brought Lola home- and all the puppy training there after that went along with her existence. I remember experimenting out of every cookbook I owned- because this was my apartment and I could do what I wanted. I remember coming home from work to find Andy, Cosmo and Adam playing video games. But one of my favorite memories was when my sisters came out right before Thanksgiving. We decided to go buy a tree and ornaments and decorate and have our own Christmas. To this day whenever I decorate my tree with the ridiculous ornaments we picked out that day- I think of them and how much fun that was- and how I woke up the next morning in mid-November to Kayla squealing "Look we made it snow cuz we decorated for Christmas!"

That apartment was fun- yet I still hadn't really learned what it was truly like to live "alone." I was a short 5 minute drive to Mom's- and I went there a lot- to grocery shop from her cabinets, to do my laundry, and to "borrow" money to pay my bills. It wasn't until I made the decision a year later to move to Chicago, that I truly learned what it was like to live "alone."

Andy and I were dating- but it was at that stage where we both knew the relationship was bad and we were clinging to something that was familiar and comforting just out of not knowing anything else. We had decided to move to Chicago together- but put the lease solely in my name- you know to be "smart" about the decision. He would still pay rent- but in case anything should happen we weren't stuck. I had graduated from college a year and a half prior to this, and finally had my very first job downtown. I had made some amazing friends at this new job and they took me under their city wings and helped me find a place. It wasn't till after I signed the lease (that night actually) that Andy informed me he didn't want to move in with me after all. The relationship ended very soon after and I had a month till I moved into this apartment I had picked out for the both of us to share our life with.

In true Erica fashion- instead of grieving the relationship- I threw every emotion I had that month into moving and purchasing items that were necessary for my new place. So naturally, once I moved in and got past those initial first weeks of exploring the city, going out with my new friends and decorating my new apartment- I woke up to find myself in this big scary city-all alone and utterly broke. I was scared, depressed, and just starting to go through all the emotions of the breakup from this guy I had been dating for the last three years. It was a lot to handle- and I don't know that I did so in a healthy fashion. That apartment was my haven- this tiny, TINY garden apartment unit in Lakeview. It became the place where I sat on my couch all weekend with Lola- only leaving the place to take her outside. For a very long period of time I drove home to Indiana every weekend to spend time with my friends out there rather than attempt to make new ones in Chicago. Which is really insane if you think about it.

The funny thing about that apartment is I don't have a lot of good memories of it. Most of them are of me sitting with Lola drinking wine till 3am crying on the couch. Pathetic as it may be- those are most of my memories. The rest of them are of the shitty jobs I had that year- yes jobs plural as in three. The only good memories I have are of my mom coming to visit and exploring Chicago together. We had a lot of fun when she came out. Although most of the actual memories I have of this apartment were not my finest- I still look back on that apartment and smile. I learned a lot that year and went through some crazy rough shit. It also helps to know that most girls from small towns who move to big cities go through the same thing- and don't always come out as well as I did.

My second apartment in the city was the one I refer to as "the roach motel." Only 2 weeks after moving in did I find that it was infested with roaches. I only lived there a month before I returned home to Indiana- and then only stayed in Indiana for a month before finding my third apartment. The one I wrote about in previous posts- the apartment that saved Chicago for me. That apartment gives me only happy memories- times I miss so very much.

I got to thinking about all the memories I have attached to these places I've lived. I realized that most of the memories I have aren't of the actual places I lived in- more like memories of the state of mind I was in at the time. For whatever reason, I relate those emotional times to wherever I lived. It wasn't until Steve and I started researching places to live in Chicago that I realized how much I miss that city. I miss the neighborhoods and of course all the memories I have since attached to them. But, Steve said something when we were looking that made me smile- he said (frustrated I might add) "I don't know the city like you do- you know where everything is- so you pick the neighborhood." I am not sure why that made me smile. Perhaps because I conquered all the shit I never thought I would out there. Perhaps it is because in hindsight- Chicago helped me in ways I never thought possible. Chicago taught me the hard way- how to fix my problems on my own. And sometimes the hard way is the best way to learn. I wouldn't change anything about my years that I lived alone or the ones spent alone in a big city. I think both were very huge accomplishments for me.

Funny enough- I kept in contact with my landlord at that first brownstone. When Steve and I were looking for apartments to no avail- I said eff it and picked up the phone and called him. Turns out the first floor unit is available starting September 15th- and we're moving in on the 27th. So I guess you could say I've come full circle- back to my first experience in Chicago. I am so excited to go back to that neighborhood, for Steve to experience Chicago, and to be able to have a second chance with that apartment. Well, I guess not the same unit- but the building itself :)