5. Take A Cross Country Road Trip Alone

What was going through my head April-June of 2007? If you knew me, you probably asked yourself this question, a lot. I was at a cross-roads. A "quarter life-crisis" I choose to call it. I have always been known as the girl who was completely unpredictable, compulsive, and one to not think things through before making a sound decision. When I talk to people closest to me and say "Guess What!?!" I am more often than not greeted with "It's hard telling..." Which is fine with me. Many people- even those closest to me- think I am flighty. That's fine too, they just aren't open-minded enough or courageous enough to think outside the box. To question the life they have grown accustomed to would shake them to their core, and putting a big plan into action that may or may not prove to solve that crisis- to them is simply terrifying. To put it mildly, I feel to the depth of my bones that those people who have questioned my sanity, or referred to me as flighty, or held conversations about me while rolling their eyes lead very sad lives. Sure, I've made impulsive, wreckless, ridiculously insane decisions at the drop of a hat- and actually acted on them. But ya know what? Those decisions- the ones I put little thought into and just jumped in head first- those are the decisions that have changed my life drastically. For the better. And those same decisions make me who I am.

I found myself in those two months of 2007 very unhappy. Unsettled, no sense of direction- other than heading down the path everyone else around me had already chosen for themselves- and seemed none to happy with. I was working for the company I had already devoted 5 1/2 very long years of my life to in college, and living at home with mom to save up money. For what? I have no idea. I never managed to save any. Instead, I had ridiculous parties every weekend where we all woke up blindingly drunk and only had photographs from my digital camera to remind us of what the previous evening entailed. Sure it was fun- hell how could it not be? But I was past all of it. It got old- really old.

Steve and I had started talking again in March. Here was this guy who lived at home with his mom because he lost his job and had gotten kicked out of his apartment because his roommate was engaged, and rather than finding another job immediately and a "livable" apartment that he knew he would be unhappy with, he chose to play poker. Something he loved, and was good at. I could tell immediately that very few people supported this aspect of his life. I was absolutely, completely inspired by it. Here was a man (FINALLY) who refused to just play the cards that were dealt to him (no pun intended) refused to SETTLE- and refused to suck it up and go get another shitty, mind-numbingly boring job with no future- like society says he should. Instead, he was going to follow his dream. A dream most people scoffed at and most people labeled him negatively for. Although this was probably the beginning of the best relationship I had entered in a very long time, he spoke endlessly of how he wanted to move to Vegas, so he could play professionally. I think we were both in the same place- but were so engrossed with our own situations- we couldn't focus on this incredible thing we had.

We took a very spontaneous weekend road trip to Memphis together, and he asked me again to go with him to Vegas. He had asked prior to this, but we were drunk and I laughed it off. This time we were sober. When he asked I sat there for a while and then the word vomit came. All these phrases and sayings and completely-un-Erica things came out of my mouth. "I can't go to Vegas. I have a job in Indiana. I can't leave my friends and family. Where would we live? We have no money to get out there." It wasn't brought up again. But rest assured the rest of the weekend my words haunted me to my core.

When we got back home, I found I was overwhelmed with all of this. I kept thinking, "Why can't I go?" The bottom line came to, I had no desire to go to Vegas. My Dad and his side of the family moved out there when I was a baby, I spent my summers and occasional Christmas's out there- but I knew that I didn't have any desire to live in Vegas other than my family. I knew that moving there would be easy because I had them as a crutch- and the moving to an entirely new place minus any sense of crutch was becoming all too appealing. I also knew that if I moved there, it would be solely for him- and that was unacceptable. So I sat down and started sending my resume out to every state I could imagine myself living in and made the executive decision to move wherever the first job interview call came from.

My grade school friend Joanna moved out here after our freshman year. I had visited twice- both times extremely underage and extremely unable to really experience Arizona in any way to say I actively wanted to live there. She told me that if I wanted to come out here she had a spare room, and I was welcome to it till I got my feet on the ground. Which, if you've ever moved cross country without a job and only $1200 in your bank account- that is a very enticing offer. So, I sent resumes out to Phoenix. Low and behold the very next day I received phone calls left and right. Phoenix it was. I find it important to point out that I made this decision and acted upon it only 2 weeks later- no real thought put into it at all. Because, we all know that "real" thought encompasses all those excuses I mentioned before.

My going away party was one of the most amazing nights ever- friends from every stage of my life were there. At the highest point, there were 25-30 some people in my backyard. It was saddening to know I was leaving all these people I cared so very much about, humbling to know I had touched their lives enough in some way to come and wish me well, and extremely exciting to think I would be half as lucky to meet friends like these on my next journey.

I left for Phoenix the Monday after the party. I packed everything I owned of importance (SO EFFING HARD!) into my hatchback Focus, put Mork in the passenger seat and left. I cried all the way through Nebraska. Sobbed, rather. My best friend Kt made me some mixed Cd's which didn't help much either. Cd's that I will keep till the day I die- and pass down to someone of great importance- that is how much they mean to me after this journey. I cried for everything I was leaving, for how scared I was at what I had chosen to do- but couldn't turn back now, and because I felt so utterly alone. If you've ever driven from Indiana to Nebraska, you can attest to the fact that the lack of scenery on this part of my drive was probably not helping my cause. I got a ticket in Nebraska and that snapped me out of my crying jag. It was smooth sailing till I hit Colorado. It was dark, and I knew I wanted to drive through the mountains to see everything, plus I was exhausted and afraid of hitting deer. I stopped at a hotel and stayed there with Mork. He was such a huge part of that journey. If I hadn't had some sort of familiar face or some warm body with me in that hotel room that night, I may not have made it.

The next morning was much better, I was excited again. The drive through Colorado was absolutely stunning. Patrick gave me directions through the mountains- thank you thank you thank you from the bottom of my heart for that. I drove through Vail, drove up to ski posts, stopped at random gas stations and stores. People asked me about my Indiana plates- people honked and waved. I would get excited for a car to pass me to see how far they had driven from. Were they on the same journey as me? I felt so effing free. I was literally talking to myself in the car. "I can go here! I could just decide to go that way and no one can stop me! I don't have to go to Arizona- I could make a left turn here and no one can say no!" The drive that second day was like 20 years of therapy in 15 hours. I felt electric with energy. I was excited for my new journey. I couldn't understand why more people didn't do this. And I knew if they knew what I knew- that this was sublimely amazing- they all would. If there was some way to express this over joyous feeling to them- they would all do it.

Had I taken that trip with anyone else- it never would have been the experience that it was. It would have been great- but not nearly grand. It would have been fun- but not nearly brilliant. It was terrifying to do that on my own- I was utterly terrified. (I won't get into the crying jag again once I entered Arizona and read all the expressway signs. Wondering aloud to myself again what exactly I had done) But, when it was all said and done, I felt like I had accomplished something on a really grand scale. And I wanted to do it again. I know now that there is no fear. I did it once- I could do it again tomorrow. I urge you to take a trip cross country- anywhere- any destination. You will be amazed at how it will change you. This is one of the many ways in which Steve has changed my life, had it not been for him- I don't know that I ever would have had the courage- or the brilliance- to put this plan into action. And for those of you who supported me 100% regardless of your real feelings- that I would fail miserably- thank you from the bottom of my heart.